FOREVER AND ALWAYS

Marriage. Growing up the idea of marriage was always so magical to think about. I loved the idea of a beautiful dress and having a husband.

I remember being with my friends and talking about our wedding days. I grew up with both my parents around (for the most part) and with three other siblings. My parents both grew up in Alabama and were college sweethearts. Their dynamic was pretty solid from my point of view — my favorite part was the fact that they played one-on-one basketball together a lot.

But of course, as life went on, my parents would argue a lot in their marriage when we got older. Nothing ever too crazy, but I would get anxious every time I would hear them.

My mother has had a strong faith for as long as I could remember. My dad never got into religion or God.

My whole world shifted when my mom told us she and my dad were separating — I was in the sixth grade.

I didn’t understand everything, but I remember being angry in my heart at my father and never wanting a man to hurt me like he hurt my mom.

Although my parents restored their marriage and my dad changed (praise God), I definitely saw how the family dynamic shifted. I think this shaped my view of what marriage was and what a guy could do to me.

Hurt me.

I didn’t think about marriage much more after that. Fast forward to my freshman year of college, I met a guy.

Mind you, I had crushes on plenty of guys during high school and the beginning of college — but nothing ever too deep. This guy was different and I didn’t know why.

I was drawn to him always. We vibed really well together. I always had a feeling he was interested in me, but I was definitely afraid of taking it to another level.

We got really close my sophomore year and became best friends. I always left my conversations with him inspired and protected.

He was not the type of guy I thought I needed.

He was gentle, reassuring, compassionate and emotional. I am most definitely not.

We started dating mid-2013 and it was one of my favorite experiences. We would drive out of town to Knotts Island and stargaze or to D.C. to see our favorite bands.

I loved how much we traveled along the East Coast together, building memories. I loved having Puerto Rican Christmas at his family’s house and all the laughter and coquito we had.

It was a dream.

Four years later, we got engaged! Six months later, we tied the knot!

I never thought I would be married and honestly, I shaped my idea of marriage from my parents. I didn’t think I wanted it.

SIX MONTHS OF WEDDING BLISS.

My husband quieted every single one of my fears and it has been the most peaceful and solid season of my life.

Even though it hasn’t even been one year since we said, “I do,” I’ve learned so much about how to be a wife, what marriage really is and just so much about my own heart.

Three big lessons I’ve learned:

It is a sacrifice.

Now, I thought I knew sacrifice, but being in an actual marriage is hard work. My husband is very easy when it comes to just about everything — I got lucky.

But I can be difficult at times, especially when I feel strongly about something.

I am passionate by nature, so if something isn’t right in my eyes, it must change instantly.

Being married has humbled my thinking — I won’t always be right.  I had to start thinking what was best for my relationship with my husband.

Learning to pick and choose my battles is super hard. But in a marriage, that’s what it’s all about.

I think about Ephesians 5:22-33 — it definitely helps me look at the big picture.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as, to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit, in everything to their husbands.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Sacrifice is equal. Respect helps move our marriage toward the bigger picture — heaven.

My husband is to love me like Christ loved the church. Such a high standard, but also such an amazing way to be loved.

Communication will always be key.

Oh my goodness — communication came up so many times during our marriage counseling. It is fundamental in marriage.

Men and women are so different in the way they communicate. I talk way more about details than my husband and this can cause little bumps here and there.

Sometimes I can over-communicate things and my husband can’t process it all at once and he forgets what I tell him.

What we both learned quickly was how to meet each other’s needs and how we go about communicating our lives to each other. Planning out our schedules and what our intentions are is so helpful.

What marriage also taught me about communication is that it is a form of humility.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  {Philippians 2:3 NIV}

When I consider what my husband’s needs are through communicating,  it helps my humility and my heart.

Perfect love casts out fear.

Like I stated before, I had many fears going into a dating relationship and also into a marriage.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” {1 John 4:18 NIV}

I was afraid of giving my heart more, loving more, getting hurt and so many other insecurities.

I am thankful for my husband always being willing to listen to me, despite how untrue some of my thoughts are.

Loving my husband more has helped erase so many of my fears.

Love isn’t always the “butterflies and sweet” feelings. It’s a sacrifice, but you grow with your significant other.

I’m grateful we both have a deeply rooted faith and we make every effort to always take it back to God.

Marriage has really been the most peaceful and joyful time of my life. I am grateful for the man God designed for me.

It is definitely still a new journey for me, but already I’m learning so much about being one with another imperfect human being.

All thanks to God for healing my skewed views of what marriage would do to me and blessing my union with my husband.

With Love,
Mal

Maleek Medina

Contributing Writer